Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
