Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
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