oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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