Betty ford says i'm here all night
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
