Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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