what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
