We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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