I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
