Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
