Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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