i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
