considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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