It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
