Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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