k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
