Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
