Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
