if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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