Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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