he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
