Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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