I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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