apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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