I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
How drunk are you?
Completed.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
