My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize