fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
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At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
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There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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