Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
he just fucked me for my cheese.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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