Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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