So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
