I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
