Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
