My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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