god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
