I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
