This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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