I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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