I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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