i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
