It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
