whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
