Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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