So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Randomize
