I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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