so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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