Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
My first STD was from a foam party
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
