walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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