Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
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I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
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I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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