I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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