apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
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Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
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Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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