Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
