Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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