my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Houston, we have a blender
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.