I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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