Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
