I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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